6:11am – Waking up. Fuck, I’m tired and I’m, oh no. There’s a wad of turkey meat slumbering away in the pit of my stomach. Second dinner at one o’clock this morning was a bad idea after all. Second dessert was, however, delicious.
Alright, lets go Dave. Move it. Shower time. This voting thingy is totally going to be worth it. You don’t even have to vote strategically – you get to “vote with your heart“. Too bad there isn’t a pumpkin pie covered in whipped cream party. Just imagine the fridge on their campaign bus…
6:56am – Oh, christ, it’s almost 7am.
7:01am – Shower. Banana. Coffee.
7:27am – Pie.
7:55am – What a beautiful morning! The sun is shining, a murder of crows is pulling garbage out of bin in the back alley and spreading it all over the street, and Len, the homeless guy that usually sleeps at my back door step, has already left for the day. Len is really hard to talk to. He’s always going on about how hungry he is and how he just wants change for a coffee, or a piece of pie, or for his electoral district. I happen to be left leaning, so thankfully I’ve dodged that awkward conversation today.
8:01am – Maybe I shouldn’t vote. There will probably be a huge line up, right? I’ll have to make small talk with the people standing behind me. How do you even make small talk in an election line? “So, how’s that Reform party?” God that would be awkward. I want a latte.
8:11am – This Pumpkin Pie Latte is h e a v e n.
8:07am – I have arrived at Aquatic Centre. While everyone else is voting in dull places like school gymnasiums and town halls, I get to watch old people jazzercize.
8:08am – Apparently, I’m not on any voting list. This is incredibly disappointing. They keep asking me if I’m sure I can vote here, but I keep getting distracted by that slow man in the medium lane. That is so annoying. If someone can tickle your feet while you’re doing laps, you’re in the wrong lane pal. I know it’s emasculating to swim in the slow lane. I know all those cute college girls will think less of you and your mane of gray hair. Deal with it. This is more painful to watch than the woman with a stepper who can’t make it through the door. I wonder if she needs help. This is probably her 12th election or something. Oh, lane 68? OK.
8:14am – The guy manning the desk instructs me on how to properly vote and mark my ballot. I tell him to keep his opinions to himself. He just hand folded my vote for me. Maybe I’ll wink at him later.
8:15am – There are like 6 choices. This is really hard. Oh no, there’s a marxist-leninist on the ballot. Should I tell someone? And what the hell is a libertarian? I thought that was a US political party?
8:34am – Oh thank god that’s over. My latte is getting cold.