The Three Emails I Sent Last Night to the South Korean Embassy
7:36 pm EST:
Hey, South Korea. Just to let you know, that thud you heard, it wasn’t a nuclear test by North Korea. It was me. I dropped a container of yogurt-covered pretzels. They’re everywhere. Totally sucks. But it wasn’t a nuclear bomb. So don’t worry about it.
8:42 pm EST:
Hey again, South Korea. It’s me: the guy who dropped his yogurt-covered pretzels about an hour ago. So as you may or may not have guessed, I dropped my container of yogurt-covered pretzels again. Sorry. My bad. Hope it didn’t alarm you. I know you’re kind of on edge and all. I was just sitting here watching America’s Next Top Model and I reached over for some yogurt-covered pretzels and accidentally knocked the whole thing over. I don’t know what is with me today. It’s Klutz City up in here.
10:59 pm EST:
Hey one more time, South Korea. I just wanted to let you know that I haven’t knocked over my container yogurt-covered pretzels since I last emailed you. I’ve been extra careful. Plus I’ve eaten all the yogurt-covered pretzels, so even if I wanted to knock them over I couldn’t because they’re gone. Tossed the container out about 40 minutes ago. So, like, if you’ve heard a big thud or whatever in the two hours or so it wasn’t from me. It was probably another nuclear test by North Korea. Or maybe they dropped their container of yogurt-covered pretzels. Those things are like the best snack ever. Alrighty, I’m gonna go hit the hay. Peace out, SK!