Arbor Day is upon us. It’s a special day dedicated to planting trees and increasing awareness about the importance of trees. As a tree, this holiday is obviously very close to my heart. I know I don’t have an actual heart but you don’t have to be so god damn literal every god damn second of your life, do you? Jesus. Anyway, it’s a special holiday for all us trees and I’d like to take some time to share my Arbor Day wishes.

I’m sure, like most humans, you find it odd that a tree would even have wishes. I bet you just take us trees for granted. Sure we make the world pretty, and clean the air you breathe, and are fun to burn, and a blast to carve profane graffiti on, but I bet that’s about all you think we contribute to “your” world. Little do you know that we do oh so much more, like nourish the environment and coordinate events for the Tree Rollins fan club. Plus we’ve been around much longer than you have, so you should give us a little more respect. I myself am 147 years old. Not too shabby. I was 81 when Don Knotts was born. I don’t even feel that old. 147 is like 47 in human years. I haven’t even had my mid-life crisis yet. Yes, I long for the company of a shiny bright sapling every now and then, but I have yet to find the need to get a leaf transplant or to buy a Corvette. Corvettes are sweet, though. Shiny bright saplings god damn dig them something fierce.

But like I said, I’m still very young and virile, and I think it’s high time you humans listen to my wisdom and oh my god that squirrel is back–get him off me! GET HIM OFF ME! GOD DAMN SQUIRREL! IT’LL RUIN MY BARK AND BREAK MY BRANCHES! GOD DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!

Sorry. I hate squirrels. God damn parasites with bushy tails. Anyway, back to my Arbor Day wishes. I wish this Arbor Day that governments around the world would enact policies that would protect us trees from being cut down and used to make wood-based objects. The Earth is being deforested like it has never been deforested before, and it is in all our best interests (trees, humans, monkeys, ladybugs, shrubs–yes, even white trash like shrubs) that we reverse the damage already done.

Thus another Arbor Day wish of mine is for everyone to plant as many trees as they can. I mean, that is what Arbor Day is all about, planting trees, so it’s not exactly a silly wish. And I don’t care if it will ruin your precious lawn, lawns are for wussies; trees are where it’s at. Okay, I admit that trees aren’t exactly cutting edge, but there is something inherently “old school” about us. Like I said before, we’ve been around for, like, ever. We must get at the very least some cool points for that. Did I mention that I’m 147 years old? That’s a lot of rings, Pancho. I was 97 when Andre the Giant was born–GOD DAMN SQUIRREL. GET IT OFF ME. SOMEBODY HELP! WIND! RAIN! HAWK! HELP ME! HELP ME GOD DAMN IT!

My last Arbor Day wish is that Eric Benét and Halle Berry try one last time to work it out. I know that each have made mistakes, and in Eric’s case, mistakes on top of mistakes on top of mistakes (he was married to Halle god damn Berry for chrissakes!), but still I think they can reconcile and live happily ever after. Despite their transgressions, they are perfect for one another. Especially since Eric has cut off his dreads. That look was doing nothing for him. You’d think that would have been enough to win Halle back. The man finally fixed his hair. Yet she keeps on being stubborn. So what if he slept with three-quarters of the cast of Good Burger? Who’s going to be there for you the next time you plow your car into somebody, Halle? Who? Tell me who! Kid Rock? No freakin’ way. Lou Diamond Phillips? Ha! You’re kidding right? No, Eric Benét is the only who can help you flee the crime scene and find a lawyer that will get you off the hook, and with minimal community service hours to boot. Come on, Halle! You know I’m right!

So in summary: protect trees; plant trees; get back together, Eric and Halle. Those are my three Arbor Day wishes for the year. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. I get just one day of the year to offer some wishes, so it’s not like I’m asking for a god damn Corvette or anything. So help a tree out. At the very least you can do something about the god damn squirrels. They’re driving me god damn crazy, god damn it.

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Christopher Monks once got a B on a biology quiz. He also wrote a book, "The Ultimate Game Guide to Your Life." In stores November, 2008. For more information please go here.