DEATH ON TRIAL – FACES LIFE IMPRISONMENT

Death, age indeterminate, is accused of various criminal charges including blackmail, extortion, bribery, discrimination, harassment, fraud, tax evasion, and “contributing to global instability”, a crime which has recently been invented specifically for this trial.

A spokesman for the United Nations has gone on record to state that “We considered adding murder to the charges, but decided against it on the grounds that it would be too damn ironic. Plus, after Death claimed that God gave him a ‘license to kill’, we declined to press the issue.”

Death is the latest in a long list of those accused of criminal fraud, along with Kenneth Lay, Martha Stewart, and Conrad Black.

The primary accusation against Death involves the assertion that for the past several years, Death has not been fulfilling his duties properly. Instead of immediately reaping the souls of the dying, he promises them an extra year and a day of life at the cost of a million dollars. It is believed Death has recently expanded this scheme. He has allegedly been contacting individuals who were not slated to die, and offering to “allow” them to live their natural lives for an enormous fee.

Death might never have been caught, until he apparently got greedy and started to underwrite life insurance policies of individuals who he knew were about to die. Authorities remark that they began to get suspicious after numerous insurance policies began to get claimed by one “Roger Mortis”, an alleged alias of Death.

Mark W. Everson, current chairman of America’s Internal Revenue Service, remarked that “This is the biggest abuse of insider knowledge I have ever witnessed. Worst of all, there is no indication whatsoever Death intended to report this income on his tax forms…there can be no leniency for this offence.”

Death however, appears to be unconcerned. Wearing his traditional skull-head grin, he has said “As a metaphysical embodiment of an aspect of the universe, human laws don’t apply to me. I am confident the honorable judge and members of the jury will see things my way.”

The case of Humanity v. Death will take longer than expected to get underway. Judge Simon Fontaine of the International Criminal Court said he has serious concerns about finding 12 impartial jury members. “We’ll need to find jury members that will not be influenced by Death’s threats of an early, well, death. It’ll be tough, but I think we can manage it. I heard Superman once successfully defeated Death, we’ll see if we can get him.”

Death, if convicted, stands to face life imprisonment.

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